I recently returned from Los Angeles, and I'm reasonably certain that it's the shittiest city ever. Here's why.

Do you like going places? Then you won't like LA. Unless you'd like to hop on a dirty bus full of bitter mexican slave workers ready to snap at a moment's notice. NYC has subways, taxis, and even walking will get you to your destination. In LA, everyone drives their own cars so they can "be in control" or some shit. This causes clogged highways to the point where from 3 to 8 PM, you can't get anywhere.

Let me emphasize this: for five hours of the day, forget going anywhere. Wanna go to the mall? Wanna go to the movies? Wanna go do anything at all? It's three hours in traffic, motherfucker, and when you do get where you're going, it's gonna be so crowded, you're gonna slit your own throat.

Do you like nice people? Then you won't like LA. Remember all those egotistical theater kids who drank starbucks in class and shit diamonds and quoted Monty Python nonstop? They all moved there. All of them. In LA, hard work and talent get you nowhere. Being an asshole and whoring your way to the top is the name of the game.

My favorite thing to do in LA was sit inside and watch Arrested Development. I can't imagine how the regular LAers deal with living there.